My Random Pages

Sorry, I caved in… the dark side prevailed…

Excerpts from a conversation:

“gusto kong sumaya pero nalulungkot ako,
gusto kong tumawa pero tumutulo ang luha ko,
gusto kong maging mabait pero nagdidilim ang paningin ko,
gusto kong makalimot pero lahat naaalala ko,
gusto ko ng maraming bagay pero wala akong lakas para makuha ito”

“nothing. nothing. nothing. if i can’t do anything about it, then no one can do anything about it. sad. but that is life…”

sometimes, you just have to wallow in despair and savor the dark and empty feeling. maybe, just maybe, when you have spiralled down to the deepest level, you will then realize that — as the cliche goes — there’s no way to go but up. but then, be ready to go very low if you want to experience getting high… ironic isn’t it?

wind wisdom: it does not cling, it deeply penetrates all life, it has no boundary.

hay, sarap maging hangin…

I have designated Sunday as my day of mindfulness. It is one day of the week where I will turn of my phone, minimize use of electrical gadgets, disconnect from the internet (no surfing, checking of emails and other social networking sites, etc.), no radio or CD player and no looking at the clock! As much as possible, I’d stay home and not speak the entire day, and try to be mindful about every little thing that I do – eating, cleaning, bathing, reading, writing.

While I am not religious, I would like to follow this ritual every Sunday. It is my own spiritual exercise (hmmm, i don’t like the word exercise, but for lack of a better word, that will do for now).

I am bombarded with a lot of things and interactions with people six days a week. I will try to keep this one day as peaceful and serene as can be.

I will give myself to my work, my friends and everyone else the rest of the week but never, never on a Sunday!

I am re-reading the book “Simple Abundance” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It is a book of 366 inspiring and evocative essays, one for each day of the year. I had the book middle of last year, so I began reading from the middle part of the book – say June or July. Now that it is a New Year, I can now begin from the beginning! I like SBB’s point of view – typical of a woman (loving and living the part, I should say). I may not be your ordinary woman represented in her book especially when she talks about being a wife or a mother or being in a middle of family affairs. Yet, somehow, I can glimpse the wisdom in her words and try to apply it to my life as a single person living alone and at times, away from society’s norm.

I agree with what she says that we already possess all we need to be genuinely happy. Yes! We don’t need external things and forces to make our lives joyous. You just have to be aware of your inner strengths and talents and wisdom. You just have to be aware that you possess all these things and you have to constantly remind yourself to use all these gifts – everyday. Don’t worry, they will not run out. You don’t have to worry about exhausting them because on the contrary, the more you use them, the better they become. You nurture yourself and make these positive energies more abundant as you keep on using them. You don’t stop breathing for fear that the air will run out do you?

SBB is also the author of the book “Romancing the Ordinary” – another inspiring book. Since she talks about the different months of the year, she inevitably talks about the different seasons throughout the year. While we don’t divide our seasons into winter, spring, summer and fall, again it is the principle behind the stories and essays that makes it relevant wherever you are in this planet.

Her six guiding principles to live an abundant life are gratitude, simplicity, order, harmony, beauty and joy. It is good to remember them always because that is the best way to live! And they are yours for free! Remember, you already possess all you need to be genuinely happy!

I just realized that I have fallen back to an old habit of mine — staying indoors for long periods of time. Actually, it’s not that long since it has only been six days from the last time went out of my house. That was December 27 and since then, I haven’t ventured outside. As I confided to my friend, for as long as I have food, I can stay indoors indefinitely. The longest time I cloistered myself was two weeks. And that means two weeks without human interaction (no calls, text messages or internet). This time around, I was visited by a friend at home, I have emails, phone calls and text messages round the clock. Not exactly alone most of the time. And with all these technology, I can see a future where I do not need to go out of the house. I can actually work here, and I can have my groceries and food delivered, I can pay bills and shop on-line, get in touch with friends, etc. The only thing I will miss is nature. Nothing beats the actual experience of traveling and seeing nature face to face. Yes, even with the virtual technology being offered.

I’ve got to cut short this cloistered existence and start acclimatizing myself to actual human beings and human interaction very soon. Holidays are over and my parallel life as a normal person is waiting in a couple of days.

It’s a cold morning… following a very cold evening. I didn’t turn on the fan last night and I stayed well under the covers. It’s getting harder to get up and just thinking of the cold showers make me shiver. But I have to get up, and I want to. My mind is already buzzing again with all the things I have to do. That is my barometer for actually knowing if I am awake or not – mental activity. Usual things I think about would be work, work, work and appointments, commitments, and things left undone the previous day. Ok, so the mind beckons and the body follows.

I have this URGE to write as well. But the debate is whether to use the computer, the notebook or go on-line. Of course, the use of the laptop won because I couldn’t find a nice pen. I do have the notebook but I am particular about the pen. Anyway, note to myself: keep the pen and paper handy. It’s good for the sudden burst of creative writing and it is never a hassle to set up. And I have to agree, it is more personal. I tend to intellectualize when I use the keyboard. But the point right now is simply to write – wherever! And hopefully, whenever the mood strikes me throughout the day. The goal is to write everyday at least once in the morning upon waking up and once in the evening before I sleep. It is my mind de-cluttering mode and I have proven time and again the benefits I derive in this exercise. I hope it becomes a habit.

Real life is here. I should almost get back to normal, daily routine. Establish new and helpful ones because when work life takes over, the personal life suffers. First agenda: sleeping time! Next: Waking up! Third on the list this weekend before Monday is to straighten up a few backlogs in the office. I used to this, go to the office on a weekend to prepare my Monday routine and make sure nothing surprises me. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed and surprised on a Monday. I have to make sure that I am ready for the first day of work this year.

With that, I am off to final cleaning and clearing up at home. Wish me well and let’s do this again, ok?

Admittedly, I am a bit confused. Reminisce or look forward? No harm in doing both. As they say, endings are a new beginning. It is simply a cycle. A never ending cycle of love, life and everything in between.

Am I happy or sad? Glad or mad? Fulfilled or still full of longings? I cannot say because life is so wonderfully complicated. You do what you have to do, be where you have to be and strive to like it, love it and get crazy over all those have-to’s and should’s… I guess what is important is if I had been able to sneak in some fun, heck! Not just sneak it in but to actually INFUSE everything that I do, with fun and laughter. Yup! Even the craziest, messiest and most stupid things I did and didn’t do this year.

Despite my fondness for the dark and gothic side of life, I realize I am still an optimist! I guess I am the black pandora living in her own box. Despite the blackness that surrounds me, I turn to the light — always. The inner light that shines in each and everyone of us. Being immersed in darkness makes me appreciative of even the smallest flicker of light. That tiny speck of light shines through my life and I am happy to admit it!

I still am not rich, my job could be better — something close to what i can call a career? — my life could benefit from so much more effort and showers of blessing, but as I always say, LIFE is not that bad at all. Overall, I can still say that I am HAPPY!

I have done a lot of crazy things… especially these last few days before the year ended (hahaha! naughty me!) but I don’t regret them. They make my life more interesting. I learn from them. I test my principles and beliefs more so when challenged and placed in difficult situations. These breaks and bumps awaken me to the fact that one should not take life for granted. It’s a gift that you have to explore. You can’t just sit around and wait for it to unravel. You have to go and get it, explore it, open it, search it, rip it apart and bring it all together again. Hah! Hard work, but it’s worth it.

So, as this year come to a close, a toast to everyone I met, and reconnected once again, who adds to that colorful 2008. I am looking forward to a new year! It’s a chance to get down and dirty and have a whole lot of adventures once again! Hopefully, there will be other interesting people once again, and more deepening of current relationships with people that matter.

Life is a JOURNEY! Come travel with me!

These are the rules for beginning writers (from Writing Down the Bones by Nathalie Goldberg):

1. Keep your hand moving.
2. Don’t cross out.
3. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar.
4. Lose control.
5. Don’t think. Don’t get logical.
6. Go for the jugular.

So, expect to see a lot of practice writing here. I will try to follow the rules and do timed writings in the beginning. Hopefully, something will come out of it. Wish me luck!

On these pages are random thoughts of a girl just trying to seize the day and make a mark before she leaves the world. The operative word is TRYING.

I try to live by these guiding words: Carpe Diem! Memento Mori!

Carpe Diem means “Seize the Day!”

Memento Mori means “Remember that you shall die!”

One is so positive and bright — go, go, get them!

The other one connotes darkness and for some, a dreaded notion — death!

But aren’t they the best combination? Don’t they complement each other? It’s a reminder to live your life to the fullest because life is not forever.

I want to do a lot of things. I want to be able to taste what the world has to offer. And in return, I want to be able to share what I learned and what I experienced (the good and the bad) to those who are also on the same quest as I — those who are making the most out of this journey we call life!

In these random pages you will get a glimpse of my thoughts, my experiences and everything in between. Until the day I have to say goodbye!

Remember! Carpe diem… memento mori!